What, No Cows?
“Pope Debunks Christmas Myths!” quoth the headline. I was agog. To put it mildly. Alas, all I could find in the article was some prattle about a lack of gaping cattle or choirs of angels. Boy. Going out on a limb there, eh Pontifex Maximus? Ten year olds everywhere must be shocked. Well, eight year olds maybe. But we’re sticking with that whole business about Bethlehem and the census, are we?
Look folks. About this census. The Romans wanted to count heads, so they sent everyone back to the town in which they were born? Are you kidding? Millions of people have swallowed this whopper over the past 2000+ years. Talk about gullible. Let’s think about this a second. Why did none of the other Roman censuses made this absurd stipulation? Duh. The whole point of a census is to learn how many people live in a certain area NOW. Ethnologists or sociologists or whatever they call people who study population movement, they might be interested to know where you were born but they have a straightforward way to gather that data. They simply ask you. For example, I was born in Philadelphia but I don’t live there anymore. See how easy that was? And of course I no longer appear on Philadelphia head counts. The Romans couldn’t care less where you came from anyway. They held censuses so they’d know how much tax they could expect and how many troops they’d need to ensure delivery of that tax.
What’s more, what data would you get from this wacky census? You’d know how many people currently living were born in each location. What, exactly, would you do with that information? It’s useless. And then there’s the upheaval, the comings and goings and the complete disruption of commerce, which is the only reason the Romans were ever interested in your pitiful little country to begin with. They were like the Mafia. They just wanted a piece of the action. Disrupt commerce and there’s no action and then there’s no vig. Any Roman official who ordered anything so preposterous would have found himself sleeping with the fishes. It’s arrant nonsense.
So whence this poppycock? Where did it come from? Well, you see, funny story. It seems there were all these prophecies that the Messiah would come from the House of David and you’ll never guess where you had to be born to be from the House of David. Oh you did! Yes, Bethlehem. Not Nazareth, where Jesus clearly was born, but Bethlehem. So the guys who wrote those whatchamacallems, the gospels, they had a problem. How to get Mary to Bethlehem so Jesus of Nazareth could be born there. Even if you came up with, say, a carpenters convention, you might get Joseph there but not Mary. Personally, I think they could have come up with something less idiotic than this census, like she had to visit a sick relative or they’d won the Bethlehem lottery or they were geeked to attend the Bethlehem donkey races, but, hey, the census thing worked for a helluva long time, so who am I to criticize? Still does in fact. Just ask Bill O’Reilly.
Jews Found Not Guilty!
I also see headlines declaring the Pope says the Jews did not kill Jesus. Again, the case is grossly overstated. Turns out all he said was that ALL Jews weren’t responsible, just some of the Temple bigshots. Boy, thanks for clearing that up. Now we can stop blaming every single Jew who ever lived. This guy’s a regular Johnny Cochrane. If the charge is a crock of shit, you must acquit. But I guess I shouldn’t be so dismissive. After all, we have people now, in the 21st century, who seem to think that every single Muslim is responsible for 9/11. I’m looking at you Donald.
As with the Christmas debunking, however, Il Papa didn’t go nearly far enough. Let me be Captain Obvious for a second: Jesus was killed by the Romans. Remember them? Shiny helmets, red skirts, swords, spears, shields? You know, the guys who ran the place. Jesus was crucified which was the Roman method of execution, not stoned which was the Jewish method. Oh yes, it says in the gospels that the Jews had no law to put a man to death. Blatant lie. They could stone pretty much anyone they wanted as long as it was another Jew. Like the Romans would care. In fact, right there in that same book the gospels are in they stone St. Stephen. Folks don’t ever seem to notice this contradiction. Not only did the Romans crucify Jesus, they clearly labeled him an insurrectionist by tacking “Jesus, King of the Jews” at the top of the cross.
Yes, I hear some of you saying, “but the Jews forced the Romans into it”. Sure they did. The crowd that had conquered the world nearly wet themselves whenever a Jew frowned. Evidently they were so eager to please they threw in the scourging and the crown of thorns and the big parade through town for free. But maybe this was a different Pontius Pilate than the one who repeatedly and deliberately provoked the Jews just so he could slaughter a few. You know, the guy who marched into Jerusalem with graven images even though Rome had agreed not to. And the guy who seeded armed undercover troops in a Jewish crowd, then provoked a riot. And the procurator who was recalled by that soft-hearted marshmallow Tiberius Caesar for being too harsh on the Jews. That guy does not sound like the guy that a handful of Jews frightened into crucifying Jesus. Musta been some other Roman prefect of the same name. There was a lot of that in those days, just think of all those dudes named Spartacus.
And to what or whom do we owe this bit of claptrap? Uh, that would be Mark. We know from certain references he makes that he wrote in Rome in 71 or 72 AD. And why did he write this gospel? Imagine you’re in his sandals. You’re a Christian in Rome right after the suppression of the Jewish Revolt that began in 66. Nowadays everyone is pretty clear on the difference between a Christian and a Jew. Not so then. To a Roman, a Christian was a Jew. Your big cheese was this Jesus guy and he was a Jew. We know that because we crucified him. As an insurrectionist no less. Another of these damned Jewish troublemakers. What more do we need to know?
It was to answer that question that Mark wrote, or should I say “spun”, his gospel. Because Mark was a spin doctor, and he spun quite the yarn. Yes, he had to admit that, technically speaking, the Romans had killed Jesus, but, see, it was all a big misunderstanding. This guy Pilate was duped by those nefarious Temple leaders. It was all their fault. The same dudes who started this damn rebellion y’all are so pissed off about. Really, my fellow Romans, we Christians hate those bastards at least as much as you do. Can we just have a big hug now? And maybe you could put away those nasty old swords?
C’mon Pope. You want to be a straight shooter? Stop pussyfooting around with these anemic revelations. It’s red meat time.
